I Need Some Space

Have you ever used this phrase or has someone said this to you? What emotions are aroused when this statement comes into play?

This statement has become a catchphrase of late, and a dreaded one too, as many people report. However, what I wonder is: what do people mean when they say this? Better yet: do they know what they need when they say this?

Is this a judgment towards someone’s actions or behaviour?

To understand the meaning of this phrase, let us first try to understand the basic human need: the need for self-expression. People like to be able to assert themselves in their thoughts and actions, freely and vigorously, as and when they want. This is a primal need and it finds its way to come to light.

When people feel constricted physically, mentally, emotionally or creatively, it starts making them anxious. They feel trapped and the unspent energy starts playing with their mind, filling it with thoughts that are usually destructive or negative. Then, one day, when this energy can no longer be curtailed, it explodes.

If we are lucky, this restless energy only demands space. It can do much worse too.

How did we get here?

When we come into contact with anyone significant, in the beginning, this sense of strong connection gives us a bright, heady, satisfying feeling. We become heard and fulfilled, all the time. We have someone willing to share our experiences and occasionally comment on them too.

When people are in close physical proximity, they get to observe each aspect of the other’s personality minutely. The way they look, walk, talk, eat, dress etc. Their mannerisms become evident. Their moods pour out unfiltered. Soon, these aspects start attracting reactions. The things that were once ‘cute’ and ‘loveable’ become topics of commentary. As benign as these observations might be, they are still commentary.

The need for space is not a proximity issue alone. We are living in a world where proximity has been redefined. Though physical proximity is the easiest to comprehend and its challenges and most commonly seen, the age of technology has made staying deeply embedded in each other’s lives possible even if people are geographically far apart. Proximity is not just being physically close to someone, it is staying connected all the time.

It has become way too easy to stay connected, sharing every single detail of our life in real-time with people who are hundreds of miles away. In the era of instant messaging and video calls, people are connected 24x7, sharing the smallest details of their lives in alarming clarity. When people share, they receive feedback. They begin to receive back on all issues, whether they like it or not.

Soon, this warm glow of connectedness morphs into a scary attachment where we start feeling overly exposed. All boundaries are lost and any sense of me-time is eroded. There is nothing that is sacrosanct and off-limits.

Now, the inherent desire for privacy kicks in.

People crave privacy not because they have something to hide or because they have some unsavoury plans or because they want to push people away. They just want to be left alone, undisturbed, unjudged. They need space to be themselves.

The situation so arises that we are being bombarded by opinions and judgments on all aspects relating to our physical, mental, emotional and creative attributes, especially from the people we care about, people who matter. At times, even our values, thoughts and ideas come under a microscope. Analysis and labelling begin, making us hyper-vigilant all the time. We are not sure who is watching and what are they thinking about us when they see us in action! This is exhausting and frustrating. No matter what we do or think, someone is always watching, observing and commenting.

We don’t like it.

What do we do next? We crave for space. We need people to step back and let us be. Just let us be, the way we want to be. That is what we need.

That is what people want when they say they need space. They want to just be the way they want to be, free from the care of observation and judgement, even if it a positive feedback. At times, we want to enjoy a peaceful, silent time with ourselves. We are not just averse to negative feedback, we might even be turned off by constant support and appreciation as it seems to crowd out our personality. We want to ride solo once in a while. Our soul craves it.

So no, the need for space is not a judgment on or against anyone. It is a fundamental human need. Its need doesn’t even signify that anything wrong has been done. It merely indicates that we might be holding each other too tightly. We need to breathe and let those around us breathe too. We need to loosen the grip.

Strengthen the communication ‘with’ people around you, not ‘on’ people around you. Understand how free or suffocated they feel. If at any point the engagement seems too constant or overwhelming, ask and give space: physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively and ideationally. Allow each one of us to feel a sense of privacy in daily operations. Let there be some part which is shared with no one, and thus, is not judged or commented upon by anyone.

This is the part that people like to retire to when they want to reconnect with themselves. Never lose the self. And the self needs space to thrive.